*mentally works out how long tampon has been in*
“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” Betty White, not a truer word has ever been spoken.
Vagina’s go through a lot of crap and sometimes it makes us feel better to just rant about all the hardships that us women face. So, here goes nothing…
You verbally hate on your own vagina every time you get a UTI
*aggressively pointing at vagina* “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SH*T!!”. There’s nothing worse than getting a UTI- they are the bane of our lives and we HATE them. Not only do they sting like hell and infuriate us to the very core, but we’re so scared of getting one that we have to pass up on cuddling straight after sex and sprint to the bathroom instead. Sigh.
You thought you were losing your mind the first time you experienced ‘spotting’
“I’m sure I only came off my period last week? Yes I definitely did, what the hell is this? OMG I better look this sh*t up!”
You’ve learnt the hard way to never look up your symptoms online
Continuing from our previous point- never look your symptoms up online, because when you do, the normal outcome is that you’re going to die. You’ll start to freak TF out when 90% of the time there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Just ring your doctor and nip it in the bud!
You become an anxious wreck when it’s time for your routine check up
There’s nothing worse than waiting for the follow up phone call from your gynaecologist after a routine check-up. You feel about 16 again waiting for a text back off the boy you fancy. THE SUSPENSE IS TOO MUCH. Please if there’s any gynaecologists reading this, just let us know the same day, yeah? Thanks.
The first time you seen a speculum your heart dropped out of your ass
You’re lying on the bed with your legs in the stirrups feeling pretty undignified but comfortable enough. All of a sudden the gynaecologist leisurely walks in with IT. “WTF GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW!”. It looks horrendous and intimidating as hell the first time you see it, but believe me it’s not as bad as it looks. Get your smears booked girls- they save lives!
All the products you used to laugh off suddenly start accumulating in your bathroom cabinet
“Ha ha lube, what am I, 90?”. Lets just say as the years go on it’s definitely not you having the last laugh.
Contraceptives are an absolute minefield
You’ve just gone on one that your friend recommended and it has sent you fully mental. You try another and it’s kept you on your period for six weeks and you are broke AF from all the money you’ve spent on tampons. You try a different one again and it gives you mind altering migraines. “Right, celibacy it is!”.
You develop a split personality disorder the week before your period
You’re crying hysterically at a pigeon you seen earlier with one leg. The next minute you’ve morphed into the Hulk and want to destroy everything that comes in your path. You come on your period 2 days later and mentally say “ohhhhh that’s why” to yourself on the toilet.
You heard one horror story about Toxic Shock Syndrome when you were 14 and cannot get it out of your head
You set an alarm for 4am to change your tampon through the night as you absolutely cannot keep it in for over 8 hours or you’ll drop dead. Don’t worry- gynaecologists say it’s perfectly safe to sleep through the night with a tampon in. Also, TSS is extremely rare nowadays, so keep catching those Z’s girl.
You wish it was fashionable to have an 80s style bush again
We thought we’d end on something classy. Waxing, shaving, hair removal cream- whatever it is you use, you have to agree that it is an absolute pain in the ass and nothing is quite as irritating as when your hair starts to grow back. There’s two reasons we wish we were back in the 80s and that’s Cindy Lauper and the bush.
You can probably relate to all of these if you have a vagina, but if there’s anything we’ve missed, please let us know in the comments and feel free to share this with your girlfriends!