What a frigging Monday I had!
It all started when I went for a cooked breakfast. Now I don’t normally splash out on a full English breakfast especially on a Monday. Normally I’ll just have sausage on toast, which then gets cut in half and then they only put the sauce in one half. That way I can share it with the dog, as he hates sauce.
A Full English Breakfast (Yummy)
Anyway, I was feeling a bit flush because I won £47 on the horses at the weekend. So, I had money in my pocket and a spring in my step. It’s funny how those two things seem to go together? Now normally I go to Normans café on the corner, as its cheap and cheerful and they love Growler in there, he often gets free sausages.
But when I went, I could see that all was far from well. It turned out that Norman the owner/chef was having some sort of mid-life crisis and had sodded off to Brighton on a motorbike that he bought off Ebay.
Brighton where Norman went
Only Mary his wife was in the café and I could see right away that she was in no shape to cook. On top of that Norman had also taken Young Mary the waitress with him, she was in no state to serve either. Well, I certainly wasn’t going to cook my own frigging breakfast and then have pay for it and then have to sit there listening to her banging on about Norman while I was trying to eat it!
So, I made my excuses and left her sobbing her heart out to the to the breadman, I wouldn’t mind but the poor sod had only started the job that day himself, so he had no idea who Norman or Mary were?
Still, in good spirit, I went to the new place over the road. Now when I say ‘New’ it’s been open for about a year. But that’s what we’re like around here, anything that wasn’t there when we went to school is ‘New’.
Any building that wasn’t there when I was still in school is considered ‘New’
I tied the dog to the table outside and I went in. The place was covered in offers and menus and I can say with my hand on my heart that most of it was muck and all of it was expensive. On top of that most of it seemed to on panini bread? (Whatever that is?)
So, I went up to the counter and I got the fright of my life when something with long hair, tattoos and a ring through its nose asked me what I wanted to eat?
Now as you probably know, when I’m prepared to put hard cash down, I like to stipulate up front what I expect for it? So, I told ‘Whatever it was’ to get its order pad out and to write down EXACTLY what I wanted. And that when I said TOAST I meant made with REAL BREAD;
Not that panini muck;
After ‘Whatever it was’ took my order for a full English I sat outside in the sunshine with the dog. The next thing ’Whatever It Was’ came out with what I can only describe as a ‘Car Crash’ on a plate.
For a start, the bacon looked like it had been cooked with a hairdryer. The egg looked half poached half fried. The sausages looked like they had been done with a blowtorch, the tomatoes were green, and some silly sod had tipped it all into an upside mushroom that was the same size as a frigging frisbee! To make matter worse they gave me lemon tea and the frigging toast was panini.
Then the soft sod said to me with a dead straight face “That will be £18 sir” I had to grab the table to steady myself.
Me and Growler taking the sensible option and walking away
But rather than argue in the street and get arrested (again) I just got up, untied the dog and we just calmly walked away, or I thought we had. Because the next minute someone grabbed me by my elbow. This idiot claimed that he was the chef who cooked the breakfast. And not only that but he said he was ready to “Go to the police” I said after seeing the way he cooked he was doing the right thing by handing himself in.
It turned out the soft sod was threatening ME with them! But as I pointed out I hadn’t touched the thing never mind do something rash like put it in my mouth. So, I said, I have the right to refuse and refuse I did. Then I just turned and began to walk away again
Now he’s standing there dumbstruck, when ‘Whatever It Was’ turned up carrying the plate of food like it was evidence. So, then the chef shouts after me while pointing at the plate ‘What am I supposed to do with this?”
I shouted back “I’ve no idea but whatever you do don’t eat it “
There was only one place that breakfast deserved to go…