We all enjoy looking back at “the good old days” from time to time; you know, playing outside in the street with our friends without fear, candy from the store only costing a couple of cents, funny cages our parents could lock us up in whenever they felt like it-
Oh, just me? Okay then. But I’m telling you, they existed, and they were marketed to our parents as “Toys”… along with a whole mess of other things that should never have been allowed to grace the shelves of toy stores across the nation, but for some reason, were.
Luckily for you I have complied a list of the ultimate creepiest toys across time, so scroll down and see if any of them jog your memory, if you dare…
1. “Shave The Baby”
Before there were Tiny Tears and Baby Wee Wee (who, let’s be honest, was creepy enough in itself), there was everyone’s favorite ginger-haired dolly known only as “Shave the Baby”.
I honestly have so many questions about this I don’t even know where to begin. So I’ll just ask the one I’m pretty sure everyone is thinking… did it come with it’s own razor?
2. “Roadkill Cat”
Ah, nothing quite like a good-ole educational toy to sharpen those young minds. What it’s trying to educate them about I have no idea… maybe to show them that their beloved Mittens never actually went to a farm after all.
3. “Daddy Saddle”
Okay so, Daddy’s giving “horsey-back rides” to their kids isn’t anything out of the ordinary. But erm, putting an actual saddle on Daddy’s back while doing so sounds a lot like years of therapy to me. Just sayin’.
4. “Giant Microbes’ Plush HPV”
Kids should know more about diseases, right? Right, of course they should, obviously. And what’s the best way to teach kids about diseases? Make them freakin’ ADORABLE… obviously.
5. A baby doll you can breastfeed.
6. A baby that can have its own baby.
Kids can be so demanding sometimes, and regular toys like dolls or cars just aren’t enough. Don’t worry though, those amazing people in the weird world of toy design have you covered; presenting the one and only Baby’s First Baby!!!
That’s right, once upon a time you were able to by an actual baby doll, that was already pregnant with an even smaller baby doll inside of it!!! When people talk about the glory days, this is exactly what they mean.
7. “Funny Cage”
Honestly, I don’t know who this was more fun for, the kids or the parents… okay I’m lying I do know, it is 100% more fun for the parents.
I also love that this company is seemingly called “Control Toys”… at least it does exactly what it says on the box!
8. Lovely Strait Jacket
And here we have another gem from my new favorite toy-company “Control Toys”… babies first Strait Jacket! Which ironically enough is the number 1 cause of people actually ending up in real straitjackets when they have grown older.
9. Face Bank
Forget kids, I think I need to get ones of these ASAP. Apparently, when you put coins into the mouth, the face “comes alive” and eats your money, which is possibly one of the most genius ideas to save money ever because I could literally think of nothing worse than having to retrieve my money back from a living human face.
That might just be me though.
10. “Milky, The Marvelous Milking Cow!”
Ah, remember the days when we used to be brainwashed into accepting manual labor as a child? I don’t.
I mean, I guess I can kind of understand the allure of this to young children, but, really? Just take them to an actual farm and let them watch it happen first hand.
11. Jar Jar Binks tongue pop
I don’t about you but some of the fondest memories I have of my childhood is when I got to make-out with Jar Jar Binks every weekend.
That’s what I keep trying to tell my therapist anyway.
12. “Kaba Kick”
Kaba Kick, aka – Russian Roulette for kids. Don’t believe me?
Okay so basically what the kids do is, holds the Kaba Kick gun up to their head, pulls the trigger and if nothing happens, they get points. However, if the gun shoots a little pair of plastic feet at them, they lose.
So, was I wrong? No, no I was not
13. This Batman squirt gun
Hey!! Kids love Batman!! He’s so in right now!! So let’s make a Batman toy kids will LOVE to play with!! Let’s see… let’s see… what will make kids want to play with Batman the most… oh I know… let’s make it so that they have to fill his butthole with water and they can shoot it out of his mouth!! YES!! AMAZING!! Let’s get it made and shipped out IMMEDIATELY!!
14. An inflatable Titanic playset
Am I a bad person for actually thinking this is kind of cool? Yes, yes is the answer, I am a bad person for thinking that. Just like the person’s who idea this was is also a bad person, along with what I’m sure is thousands of parents who actually bought this for their children.
You know who you are.
15. The world’s worst Furby knockoff
Did your kid ever have a Furby? And did your kid ever really love their Furby, but often wished there was an even creepier version of it for sale? Well someone’s kid definitely did because that is the only logical reason they would have had to create this.
16. God Jesus Robot
A Desperate Mother Talking To God: God, please help me, my child cares more about robots than they do about religion, what should I do?
God Replying Back To Desperate Mother: No worries I got you.
18. Little Miss No Name
Does your kid like dolls? Is your kid heavily depressed? Do you just really hate your kid? Well, do I have the doll for you!
Seriously though, the eyes of these dolls are insanely creepy and strangely hypnotic. I get the feeling that if you stared into them long enough you’d actually begin hearing the dolls’ voice whisper eerily inside your head and you’d never hear anything else ever again for the rest of your life.
I’ll take 12, please!
19. Cyclops Brain Car
I’m so mad that my parents had the audacity to buy me a Power Wheels Barbie Jammin’ Jeep Wrangler when all along I could have been cruising around in one of these bad boys throughout my childhood! Someone get me the number for Child Services NOW!
20. Mr. Buttons
This thing just looks like a Halloween episode of Art Attack that went horribly horribly wrong. Or, depending on your tastes, horribly, horribly right.
All I really wanna know is if they’re actually real human teeth in his mouth. On second thought, no, I definitely do not want to know if they’re real human teeth or not.
To be honest with you, I’m not really surprised by this one. I mean they’ve literally covered every single possible style of Barbie you could ever possibly imagine… this one, to me, is by far the creepiest of the lot though, and that is saying something.
If I remember correctly, all you had to do was pop Barbies rounded belly off, and there you’d have it, a teeny tiny baby snuggly sitting upside in the center of Barbies abdomen, where her organs should be.
22. Symbol Monkey
I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought that this guy was simply a B-side character in Toy Story 3 and not an actual toy that was physically available in this world.
Seriously though, had the person who thought this nightmare up actually ever seen a monkey before in real life? Because this is just utterly terrifying.
23. Skinny Bones
I don’t even know where to begin with this one. I know the nickname, I know the song… both very popular. But were they so popular that somebody had to go and combine them both in order to create this monstrosity? I mean, what do you even do with him? Do you assemble him yourself?
It’s bad enough that the little girl on the box looks like she’s about to skin her younger brother alive to see if he looks like that on the inside as well… but there’s a whole family of these things alledgedly hanging around somewhere!? Er, no thanks, I’ll take a ift reciept.
24. Ernie The Little Patient
Ernie the Little Patient – a great little toy if you have a child who is somehow lready an aspiring doctor… or looking to become the next Jeffery Dahmer. But does it have to look so dead behind the eyes? And was there really that big an outcry for a plush-version of the Operation board game? I am not convinced.