It’s not that we’re bitter. It’s just that you’re annoying af.
It’s not like we’re painfully jealous and cold hearted and the sight of anything remotely loving makes us want to throw up in our mouths- but if we’re sitting on a sweaty, crowded train for 40 minutes, we’d like to do so without the sound of two sixteen year olds eating each others face off. It seems like a bizarre concept to many people, but there’s some of us out there who are quite happy being single. I know, CRAZY RIGHT?
We know that being in a long term relationship has it’s advantages- for example sitting in together eating pizza in your sweats and not caring about looking like a train wreck is something that we all want. However, it also has it’s disadvantages- like making your friends want to punch you in the face.
1) PDA (Public displays of affection)
Ok, so we’ve sort of covered this above- but we need to go into more depth about how unbelievably irritating it is. I know you love sticking your tongues down each others throat but would you please do this at home and not in front of a bunch of uncomfortable, confused looking pensioners at the bus stop. Thanks.
2) “Don’t you ever get lonely?”
Yeah, being single obviously also means that I also have no friends or family members. I live in a ditch in the middle of the wilderness and have absolutely no contact with the outside world.
3) ‘Man crush Monday’
We get it, you’re very sexually attracted to your boyfriend. We’re happy for you. But do we really need to see his face plastered all over Insta every single week?
4) When couples speak for each other as if one of them has just suddenly lost all ability to communicate
Wow, how does it feel having your very own spokesperson?
5) When they try to set you up with every single person that they’ve ever came across, ever.
We know you’re doing this out of the good of your heart, but 58 year old Brian with the reseeding hairline from your office just isn’t really our type.
6) They want to know every detail of your sex life
Why do they think you’re running around town like Samantha Jones from Sex and The City suddenly just because you’re single? This can get way to invasive- we don’t ask about the ins and outs of your sex life, cos you know- it’s weird.
7) Couples who dress alike
The only time this is kinda cute is when you’re 6 month old identical twins- and even then it’s pushing it. It doesn’t quite have the same effect when you’re both 28, believe me.
8) When you’re not included in couples activities
Oh, I’m sorry- I forgot being single meant I hated going for dinner and cocktails. Clearly, all I do is sit in my room and cry, watch Bridget Jones on repeat and furiously swipe on Tinder for hours on end.
9) When they set up dating profiles for you
You know that being single doesn’t automatically make me an actual simpleton, right? I can write myself a bio. Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to go on Plenty of Fish because I don’t want to be bombarded with d*ck picks every 20 minutes.
10) Insisting you bring a plus one to every event
JUST LET ME COME AND GET WASTED ON MY OWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
11) Feeding each other
Seriously, you’re not on Lady and The Tramp. Concentrate on eating your own f*cking pasta.
12) When they avoid acting happy so they don’t ‘upset’ you
We are not a bunch of emotional wrecks. We can walk past a couple holding hands without breaking down in tears, believe it or not.
13) When they forget they know anyone else besides each other
Remember that friend you had before they got all loved up? I wonder what they’re doing with their life now.
14) When they’re annoyingly inseparable
I think she’ll be absolutely fine going to the toilet on her own you know, John.
15) Asking each other permission to do things
This is the absolute WORST. Yeah, you want to keep each other in the loop and check it’s ok. But seriously, I’m asking her to come bowling, not to give a stranger a blowjob.
16) When people say patronising things like “it’ll happen when you least expect it hun” or “you’ll find someone someday”
Thank you so much for the reassurance. I didn’t know how I was going to live without the prospect of one day having a #ManCrushMonday to show off to every man and their dog.
17) “One day when you’re married, you’ll wish you were single”
WTF STOP IT I’M FINE!
18) “You’re such a catch!”
To be fair, they’re right about this one. Which is why we’re not in a relationship yet- no one can match up to how fabulous we are.