“Where’s your mini drum kit gone? I don’t know sweetheart, you must have lost it.”
We love our kids, but sometimes we just need a bit of peace and quiet. Being a parent is tough, especially if you’re new to it- there’s so many learning curves and simple tasks such as grocery shopping or going to the dentist which suddenly results in World War 3.
Also, did we mention it is EXHAUSTING?! We always heard it was tiring, but my god- there’s times when we’ve almost fully fell asleep standing up.
Anyway- this isn’t an article complaining about the woes of parenthood, we’re here to celebrate the sneaky things we all secretly do in order to have some alone time or to simply just check our emails.
If you’re new to this whole parenthood thing- take note of these GENIUS pieces of advice and use them wisely;
1) We stuff our face with junk food after the kids are in bed
We can’t whip out the Haribo at 5pm- the kids will be all over them and we all know what happens when we give our kids anything sugary before bed- they turn into The Tasmanian Devil. We stash them in the top cupboard ready to chow down on them later.
2) We develop an irrational hatred for certain cartoon characters
Maybe it’s because they’re on repeat every morning at 7am. Maybe it’s because they’re always so annoyingly chirpy. Maybe it’s their ridiculous high pitched voices- who knows? But we despise them. We don’t care how ridiculous and irrational it sounds- Peppa Pig is a whiny little b*tch.
3) We also often wonder what kids TV presenters are like in real lifeI wonder if they’ve ever had sex? Are they always this happy? Is their wardrobe just full of yellow polka dot shirts?
4) We tell our own abridged version of a bedtime stories“Once upon a time there was a girl called Cinderella *turns page*… She had to do a lot of house work *turns page*… a fairy godmother gave her a pretty dress to go to ball and turned the mice into horses *turns page*… she lost her glass slipper *turns page* The end!” Right, bedtime!
5) We spend forever ‘seeking’ during a game of ‘hide and seek’“READY OR NOT HERE I COME!” *opens emails* “Wow you’re all so good at hiding!” *opens another email “I can’t find you anywhere!” *makes a coffee* “You guys are so good at this game!” *has quick power nap*
6) We’ll put on an extra long film or double feature when we desperately need a break“Okay my little cherubs, who wants to watch all 3 Toy Story films this afternoon!?”
7) Sometimes a toy will mysteriously “go missing”The louder and more irritating a toy is, the more likely it is to get lost. This also goes for oversized teddy bears and indoor ball pits. We’re sorry, but we are SO done with spending our Saturday mornings picking up colored, plastic balls from underneath every piece of furniture.
8) Replace a dead fish without telling the kidsThey don’t need that level of heartbreak at such a young age. Also, all goldfishes look and act exactly the same. They will never have to know.
9) Lie about our kids age to get them the free child admission“She’s just very tall and advanced for her age sir, honestly”
10) Use our kids as an excuse to get out of something“I’m sorry Susan, I was really looking forward to your book club tonight, but Tom is so sick- I’m going to have to give it a miss unfortunately”
11) We tell them that Santa’s watching as a quick fix for them to immediately behaveWorks like a charm. “OH LOOK WHO’S JUST CALLED ME! IT’S SANTA, SHALL I TELL HIM THAT YOU’RE THROWING SHOES AT YOUR SISTERS HEAD?”
12) We sometimes just have to tell our kids a boldfaced lie“Yeah, that soft play centre is closed today, and the ice cream shop is! It’s awful isn’t it!”.
13) Or similarly, we will tell them that certain things are illegal“Sorry my darling, you’re not allowed to drink Coca Cola until you’re 11 years old- it’s the law”
14) Tell your partner that you let your kid win when in reality, they kicked your ass
“Bless him, I didn’t want him to be upset so I let him win”