Yep, we’re all guilty.
You tweet every passing thought that comes into your head, Instagram every meal you eat and let your distant classmates from a lifetime ago nosey at every aspect of your life on Facebook. But there’s still some things that us women refuse to tell the world.
Sometimes all you need is an article that you can read in the privacy of your own bed, written by a girl who’s willing to lose all dignity and shame for the good of womankind, to let you know that you’re not alone. You need someone to say those dark secrets that have been eating away at you for so many years out loud, someone to just come out and admit ‘ OK FINE. There’s nothing I find more satisfying in this life than pulling long, stray pieces of my head hair out of my bum crack in the shower’.
Once we break down the walls of social politeness and ‘lady-like’ etiquette, the truth is, we’re all a bit weird and disgusting. So, prepare to feel liberated as we take you through the Top 15 Embarrassing Things Women Do But Refuse To Admit.
(we guarantee you’ve done at least 5) …
1) Pulling out trapped pieces of head hair from in-between your buttocks is a common shower ritual.
We’ve kinda covered this above, but the level of satisfaction that this gives us every time we’re washing our hair is deserving of some elaboration. Between all the annoying traits of having long locks (spending hours detangling, the severe physical pain of taking out velcro rollers etc), this is long hair’s sweet silver lining.
2) Uncontrollable selfie duck face
It’s getting silly now.
3) Watching yourself cry in the mirror
And then you cry more because you look so sad. It’s one of the more narcissistic, self-destructive things we do- but we do it anyway and secretly find it quite therapeutic. Sometimes you just simply want to know if you’re an ugly crier, other times you like to revel in your own melodramatic breakdowns and pretend you’re in a soppy rom-com.
4) Taking Facebook stalking way too far
You’ve been reflecting on your past and suddenly have the urge to look at your ex-boyfriend’s Facebook to double check that he’s still a loser. One thing leads to another, and the next thing you know you’re on his cousins-best friends-uncles-sons ex girlfriend’s holiday photos from Mexico 2005. You click back on your ex’s profile once more and accidentally click the ‘Hello’ button. The humiliation. You want the ground to swallow you up. You open a new tab and look at one-way tickets to Mexico and google ‘how to fake my own death.’ .
5) Plucking rogue body hairs from places where they shouldn’t even be growing
“Urgh, how is my new blusher brush malting already?! Oh no wait… that’s just a random, long black hair that my body has lovingly sprouted out of nowhere”. Why is Mother Nature such a little b*tch?!
6) We lie about our periods to get out of things we don’t want to do
“My turn to do the food shop? I can’t I’m on my period. Take the garbage out? I can’t I’m on my period. Pass you the remote that’s right next to me? I can’t sorry I’m on my period.”
7) Going to great lengths to make sure no one can hear you ‘plop’
There’s no worse feeling than being at someone’s house and feeling that sudden urge to use the bathroom. You decide in a moment of desperation to grab life by the horns and make your way to the bathroom. You flush the chain first for some background noise, gather some tissue and strategically place it at the bottom of the bowl as a sort of ‘landing net’ to soften the sound of the plop. Utter genius.
8) Selective toe nail painting
The only shoes which go with your outfit are peep-toes. Typical. You make the quick, practical decision to paint only the toes which are showing and pray that your shoes don’t rub you so much that you have to slip them off later and display your weird, mix-matched piggies to the world. The shame.
9) Eating four times the recommended amount of something when you’re coming on your period
Serves 4? I think you’ll find it serves 1. Thank you very much.
10) Shaving only what’s absolutely necessary
The only thing you have left to wear is your trusty ripped jeans- everything else is gathering dust in your laundry basket. Give your knees a quick shave and you’re good to go!
11) Sometimes we like to bask in our own filth for a few days.
“I’m embracing my inner hippie and you all need to accept me for who I am.”
12) Knowing Mean Girls and Bridget Jones almost word for word.
Is this is embarrassing or actually quite impressive? Anyway, the ‘skills and achievements’ section of my resume won’t fill itself.
13) When we first start dating, we hold in all of our farts and then have a farting spree when you leave.
Every woman does this and every woman knows that said spree is absolute euphoria.
14) We often skip the post-pee hand wash
Oh please. The only time we do this religiously is when we’re in a busy public place and we have to wash our hands in the fear that the other women are judging us for not washing them. However, they’re probably also thinking the exact same thing. We should all unite and put a stop to the shaming, because let’s be honest- it’s a pain in the ass, the hand driers give us a headache and urine is a natural disinfectant anyway.
15) Turning into a contortionist whilst trying to salvage your Hollywood Wax
The bikini line we can just about deal with. However, what happens after you’ve had a full Hollywood wax and hairs start to grow back in places that you can’t openly scratch in public without looking like you have worms? No wonder we’re so much more flexible then men.