You know the way that marriage vows go, right? For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse.
It’s the final one that you should really pay attention to there, because if you haven’t married somebody yet, you don’t have to put up with the worse part!
Seriously, you can just dump them and walk away at the drop of a hat!
Let me guess, you would never do that. But what if your partner was truly, monumentally stupid?
What if they came out with some humdingers like these deadbeats? I bet you’d be outta there like a shot!
“Every time I went to her house, there were small brown/melted “V” shapes in the carpet. I always wondered what they were…
Then one day, I went over one time and saw her hair straightener lying on the carpet. She left it on ALL THE TIME, and would just go to work. Like… how have you not burned your apartment complex down yet?”
“He tried to tell me that an oxymoron was a cleaning solution.”
“I said I had $20,000 in student loan debt. He said he had something like $20,000, too. He then changed his answer to $40,000. Then thought about it and didn’t know. I pressured him to actually figure it out…. turns out, he owed $120,000 in student loans. He blamed the loan company for not telling him how much he was taking out. He blamed them for making him pay it all back. I pointed out that the information was on the forms he signed every year. He said that it was unrealistic for them to make him read all of that information.
My favorite part is that his degree is in communication.”
“He took me out to my favorite restaurant, a chic little upscale cafe, for dinner on Valentine’s Day and made fun of the way I pronounced filet. He tried to get the waiter on his side. ‘Can you believe this? Hahaha! She wants the ‘fill-ayyyy’!’ Then he leans upwards conspiratorially, ‘she means the fillit, obviously. Hahaha!’
Then he wouldn’t shut up about it. I was like, ‘it’s French, the -et sound is pronounced ‘ay” but he wasn’t having it. Kept going on and on about how stupid I must be until he dropped me off at home. I told him we were done the next day.”
“He thought procrastination meant overthinking. Disillusioned meant one didn’t have enough light to see. Disenchanted meant one had stopped chanting.
The list goes on and on. The funniest part is he couldn’t understand why we had so much miscommunication.”
“Picture this, High School 1980-ish. Boyfriend and I went to see Friday the 13th movie. I would hide my eyes when the scary music started. Turns out I am not a fan of horror for sake of blood. After the movie, my boyfriend was pissed at me and accused me of seeing the movie before. He thought that that was why I knew something scary was coming up. It couldn’t have been the formula scary music. That moment I decided to go to college and not marry my high school sweetheart.”
“He called in ‘sick’ to work and left a message on their answering machine saying he couldn’t come in because he wasn’t feeling well. Half an hour later he thought up a ‘better’ excuse, and then proceeded to call back and tell the woman that answered that he couldn’t come in because his car had broken down.
She (perhaps unsurprisingly to the rest of us) responded with ‘I thought you were sick?’ Hearing him try to come up with a story in which he was sick AND also had a broken down car was simply hilarious.”
“When I had to explain that you spray mosquito repellent on YOURSELF, not in the air at the mosquitos.
For the third time.
It’s not like wasp spray. Stop wasting it.”
“I was a vegetarian when we were dating. Pretty early on he asked if I ate fish. I said no, I don’t eat any animals. To which he replied ‘a fish isn’t an animal, it’s a mammal’. I didn’t even know what to say, I just walked out of the room.”
“My ex boyfriend saw a very large lady wearing double denim, then turned to me and said ‘wow, how many cows died for her outfit?!’. At first I laughed then realised he wasn’t really joking and after probing, genuinely believed that denim came from cows. It was the beginning of the end really…”
“I was riding the bus to school with my then girlfriend in 12th grade. I made some reference about us living on the west coast. She then began to correct me and say we live on the east coast. This argument continued for 15 minutes on the bus and people looked at her like she had lost her mind. It wasn’t till later she found out we live on the west coast. We live in California.”
“When he nodded and said yes as the moving van rental guy explained the height of the truck and what clearance was needed… then half an hour later, he drove it into the parking garage at our apartment complex and ran it into a low beam, smashing the top of the truck.
Then he claimed he hadn’t been warned about low clearances and I was making up/imagining the entire prior conversation.
Then he drove said moving truck at 80 mph on a speed-trapped highway. Trooper ticketed him, said he wasn’t ticketing me because I really had no choice but to try to keep up with him.
The relationship didn’t last a whole lot longer.”
“When we didn’t go to the museum I wanted to because he couldn’t find the parking garage. We literally drove around the museum and parking garage three times. He couldn’t figure out how to get inside to park so he got back on the interstate and we went home.
This was on Valentine’s Day.”
“Told her I was excited to see a movie coming out soon. Lord of the Rings. She told me that it was her favorite book. How likely is it to find a 9/10 who is into books?
Went to the theater. You know how the movie begins? Telling the story about the rings and all. Sometime around Rivendell she turns to me and asks when the kids get to the island. Asks me when does the plane crash.
She sat through around an hour of Gandalf, Gollum and Hobbits before asking when does Lord of the Rings become Lord of the Flies.”