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Kids say and do the strangest things!
They could be doing something completely normal and then they’ll suddenly ask ‘if a cat and a dog had a baby, would it make a giraffe?’
Our kids have said some of the funniest things!
But children also like to keep secrets, and they often think we don’t know about it!
That’s far from the case!
Here are some of the craziest secrets children tried (and failed) to keep from their parents.
The wife and I went on vacation for a few days and left our son at home. He was old enough and responsible…
Came home to the yard being mowed, the flower beds cleaned out with the roses trimmed (Cut to the base. Luckily they recovered.) Some of the furniture in the house moved slightly.
I didn’t think much of it until I was sitting on the porch and a neighbor kid came along and couldn’t WAIT to tell me about the party he had with ALL THE PEOPLE!!!!
The house was still standing and he owned up to the whole thing, so he didn’t get a hard time over it (Except the roses)…
2. I know what you did, son
That the reason we had to fork out over 3k in repairs on our truck was because my oldest took it mudding when he was 16. Wet, soupy, sloppy mud and it messed up the drive shaft and other things. He has no idea I know, but his partner in crime’s dad told me. This wasn’t an old truck, either. Dinged the paint job, too. He’s 26 now and I’m saving the reveal for when I’m old and he wants to put me in a home.
3. Guilty pleasure
My 13-year-old daughter has a kindle account on crest card. She sticks to her budget but doesn’t know I get the emailed receipts of what she buys. In public she has very cool taste. But in the middle of the night, she secretly binges on ‘hello kitty.’ She would be mortified if she found out I know.
4. Secret stash
My 9-year-old thinks she has a secret candy stash. In reality I don’t call her on that and other small things so she doesn’t put effort into getting better at lying to me.
5. Drawer chest
My 14 year old seems to have developed an interest in storing his spent seed. The second drawer from the bottom in his chest of drawers is about a quarter filled with mini ziplocs of semen. Just obscene amounts of teenage semen. Since I end up doing most of his laundry, I surprised he didn’t imagine I’d find it. He made a cursory effort to hide it in a bag in the corner of the drawer, but, as you know, gym shorts always lead to truth in the end. Quite frankly, I have no desire to engage him on the subject. As long as he remains healthy and productive in this area of his life, I’m alright letting him be so in this one.
6. They know everything
I know my 20-year-old daughter runs a successful blog writing smutty fan-fiction. I know she also wants a sterilisation as she doesn’t want kids. I know my 24-year-old son sometimes hops on his motorbike without leathers against our strong advice. I know my 18- year-old daughter is being cheated on by her boyfriend but she won’t leave him so we’ll support her when she needs it. I know my 13-year-old daughter’s dream of being a game developer will never come to fruition but we’re going to help her aim for achieving it however we can.
I think I know my kids far too well.
7. Be what you want
My 9-year-old stepson is ridiculously smart and gay. I saw him kissing a boy and told my wife about it but she asked him and he said it wasn’t true the kid was just whispering in his ear. Sure, buddy… I know what I saw and I don’t care. Be as gay as you want to be… this world is cold and messed up and as long as you live in my house you will have no worries.
8. A hardcore Harry Potter fan
I’m a huge Harry Potter fan and my oldest pretends to love Harry Potter. He’s 10 years old. He and his friend made up a secret code language (that I found the key for) and I read a note from his friend that said “I don’t know why you don’t like Harry Potter and I don’t think I ever will. Your friend, —”
9. A matter of the heart
That my oldest is jealous of my middle kid. My middle kid is kind of a natural beauty. It’s not that my oldest isn’t beautiful but people remark on my middle daughter more. I saw it written in her journal that she was jealous. I saw it by accident cleaning up so I just try to make sure she knows she is beautiful too but that it also isn’t everything. A beautiful heart is far more important.
10. His secret obsession
My 8 year old son is obsessed with Lamborghini’s and other fancy sports cars. My husband and I were out alone and saw one in person. I can’t tell him about it, he would be so disappointed. At least not until he’s seen one in person.
11. Don’t worry about getting pregnant
I’m raising my youngest sister (19 year age difference.) She’s 16 right now, and I know far more about her porn habits than I’m comfortable with. She forgot to close out the tabs on her phone browser when it was having issues and she asked me to fix it. On the plus side; I’m fairly certain I don’t have to worry about her ending up pregnant.
12. Playing guitar
My daughter (9 last year) took guitar lessons last year and I was looking on her phone for a picture she took of something (I was allowed). I found a video she took of herself playing a song. I sent it to myself so I could have it, but she never said anything so I didn’t either. I just think it’s so cute but don’t want to embarrass her.
13. Teenage boys
Their internet history. My eldest firmly believes clearing his browser history will erase his typical teenage boy internet searches. It does not because I force proxy everyone on my network through a filter (I’m not censoring anything, it’s just to block nefarious sites and ads.) I just choose to ignore it because I was a teenage boy once too.
14. An angry letter
I saved a letter I found in the trash can that my daughter had written. She was mad about something I didn’t let her do and in the letter she called me a whole lot of nasty words. She was probably 12 or 13 at the time. I’ve been hanging on to it for a while to wait on the right time to bring it back out. Maybe when she goes to college or something.
15. Social skills
That my son is WAY smarter than he let’s on. He wants to do the minimum amount of work required so puts in mistakes and purposely tests lower than he should so he doesn’t get challenging work or put up grades. I’m letting it slide for now as it’s his first year of school, he is years ahead of his peers and I’m happy for him to work on social skills as long as he is meeting the basics academically. Next year I’ll start coming down hard on his work ethic.
16. Be you
My son is 6 and lets just say, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he might be gay. I have already correctly predicted he was ADD. Im honestly pretty excited if he turns out gay. Even though I’d be sad to not have any biological grand-babies. I’ve always let him be who he wants.
17. Smart child
My daughter is three, but she still wears pull-ups to bed to prevent any nightly accidents. I heard her rustling in the pantry last week and asked her what she was doing, she of course said “nothing Daddy.” We start walking down the hall to her bedroom and I hear a bag hit the ground, turn around and it is a fruit snack package. I knew her game was up at that point and I asked her where that came from, she said, “I don’t know Daddy.” I smiled and helped her into bed, hearing more crackling. I asked her if she had any more fruit snacks and she looked at me and thought about fibbing again, but said, “yes Daddy” and pulled three more fruit snack packages from her diaper. I stopped myself from cracking up and confiscated the contraband and kissed her goodnight.
18. Don’t hide anything from this guy!
I built platform beds for my teen sons. One of their bedrooms was next to mine. Every once in a while I’d hear something SLAM in the middle of the night. Finally figured it out. I checked when they went to school the next day, found the screws holding the platform down to be stripped. Lifted it up… snacks and adult videos.
19. Know it all
My 9-year-old daughter does all kinds of things she thinks I don’t know about. She’ll take extra long getting her bag ready for school, after she has asked me if she can bring her Littlest Pet Shop stuff to school, and I say no. She walks out with her backpack on and I say, “Take your toys out of your bag.” This kind of stuff happens a few times/month.
Absolute BEST thing was after I had done this about 3 times in a week, she says to me, “UGH! MOM! HOW DO YOU ALWAYS KNOW?!” Glorious victory.
20. I’m watching you
The reading-homework timer makes exactly the same sound if you press and hold the reset button as it does if it runs out naturally. He doesn’t know I’m keeping my own track of the time he spends reading. So far he’s only skimmed a handful of minutes here and there, so as it is, I’m letting it slide while I try to think of a devastating way to let him know I’m on to him.
21. Political kids
My son and daughter are posting political diatribes on the nets under pseudonyms hoping to influence key people in government. It’s actually working because some of their stuff gets picked up by the press. They have no clue that I know. Sometimes I like to mention one of their articles at breakfast and either agree or disagree just to watch their reactions.
22. Good dad!
My 5-year-old daughter thought she could get away with some shenanigans today. She’s in her room making some crafts because Mom just bought her colored paper and a pack of 16,000 crayons. I’m in my room on the computer with my back facing the bedroom door. She walks in, “Hi Daddy.” I keep staring at the computer screen, “Hey Honey.” at this point she pats my head several times and says, “Nice Daddy,” almost referring to me as a dog (like when kids pat a puppy and say “Nice puppy”). Then she turns and leaves.
After a few seconds I realized what she had done and reached up to feel the hair on my head.
Glue, glue everywhere.
23. I knew it all along
When we were kids we’d go to the cottage every weekend, but as we got older my sister and I started staying home (we’d have friends over and just have a good time.) My dad always wanted to know which friends would stay over, so we had to give him sort of a list, maybe he was calling the other parents just to make sure they were ok with it, not too sure. One weekend, I decided to tag along with the parents and my sister stayed behind. She was having one girl friend over. Her friend (we’ll call her Rose) was given the ok to sleep in my bed since I wasn’t there.
My dad sneakily left a note under my pillow and it said “have a nice weekend Rose.” When we got back, my dad went straight for my bedroom and found the note, untouched and no one ever mentioned it. And this is how my father’s suspicions were confirmed: Rose was more than a friend and my sister was gay.
24. To catch a liar
I’m told my daughter (6 years old) that when she lies her ears go red (They don’t). Now, when she is lying, she covers them. Alternatively, I’ll say Nothing, and she will ask if they are red.
25. A lot of tall tails
She’s completely made up getting pregnant at 8 and giving birth to twins at age 9. At first it was a boy and a girl. Now it’s two girls. She supposedly carried twins to term and gave birth completely unaided with no one ever noticing she was pregnant. One died and was buried and she gave the other to her friend (also 9). She’s never said any of this to me but she’s told her therapist, friends, and teachers. Her “proof” is a few new purple stretch marks on her hips (she’s now 13) from her body changes from puberty.
She states her first menstrual period was the Christmas she turned 11. She has a bad working memory so her stories always change. She’s had a lot of trauma so apparently she’s started to make up elaborate stories to regain control this summer. She’s currently our foster daughter but we have had her since she was 11 and hope to adopt her in the spring. Needless to say, we have to pick our battles with her. We’re really working on trust and critical thinking skills. If nothing else, hopefully she’ll grow out of this or at least be able to make up more consistent and logical stories.
26. Know everything
I know how many times he has had parties while I have been out (almost all my neighbors are military veterans who have a pretty sharp eye for cars that don’t belong on our street).
I know how hurt he was to lose his first girlfriend.
I know where his pot stashes are.
I know he has developed a taste for whiskey.
Despite his efforts to be flat and aloof, I know him to be of great empathy and deep introspection.
And the most deeply personal one, during an argument I had made a comment to him once that I know he has seen my own character flaws and that I am no longer the hero I was in his boyhood. Later that night I overheard him tell my girlfriend that that wasn’t entirely true.
27. What sweet kids!
I tell my kids stories every night at bed time. When I’m out of town I record them and send them across so they can listen in their beds.
Being spoiled, they each have an iPad they use to listen to them.
Being pretty young, they somehow don’t realize I know how to use an iPad better than them. They each have the same ‘recorder’ app I used to record the clips so they can play them back, and they think I’ll never find the other stuff they record in there.
Being awesomely sweet kids, they have recorded a series of their own stories on the down low for me to listen to at some point. I don’t know when they started doing it but it’s super cute. I just started listening to what looked like a random clip the other day when I heard them conspiring on the tape to keep it a secret. I stopped at that point. My wife claims to know nothing about it.
It may be a Christmas present or something. Either way I’ll be happy one day when they surprise me with their stories.
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