Parenting is a tricky business and it’s one of the few things in life that can genuinely surprise you every single day. This is why, when someone shares a view on parenting that makes you laugh out loud and say ‘same!’ it really makes you feel connected with other people who are going through this parenting thing one day at a time. This is why we’ve found 31 Tweets from James Breakwell, a Dad whose Tweets about parenting are guaranteed to make you laugh, cry, and maybe even pee your pants a little.
1. Being a good parent is an impressive thing!
I forgot the diaper bag so I’m at the doctor’s office with diapers hanging out of my pockets and I think the moms in the lobby are impressed
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2017
Who doesn’t love a man who looks like he’s a really good Dad?
2. This is pretty much my life motto
4-year-old: Did you know you can put cheese on anything?
4: *intense whisper* ANYTHING.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2017
I don’t care what I’m eating, cheese will make it better.
3. It’s a thankless job but somebody’s gotta do it…
When I got my toddler out of bed, she gave me a big hug to show how much she loves me.
She hit me with a shoe.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2017
I’m sure that hitting you with a shoe is just how she shows affection… honest.
4. This kid just learned the golden rule
Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed.
3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet
Me: Scarier than Mom?
3: *goes to bed*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2016
There is nothing, nothing scarier than Mom!
5. Well, who didn’t think this when they were a kid?
[sees teacher from school at the store]
7-year-old: They let you out?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2017
Remember how it felt to see your teacher out and about in the real world? It was like seeing a real life unicorn and we didn’t know how to handle it!
6. As far as you and your mother know, I said shift!
4-year-old: Why did you say "shift?"
4: Yeah. When you got mad driving.
Me: Just shifting gears.
I drive an automatic.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2016
I might not be driving at all right now, but I definitely said shift and nothing but shift, okay?
7. Well what parent questions a quiet five minutes?
Wife: *back from the store* How were the kids?
Wife: I took them with me. You didn't even notice
Me: I thought they were quiet
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2016
The answer: any parent that doesn’t want to find their entire house covered in crayons and juice.
8. I’d love to run away!
5-year-old: I'm running away!
Me: *looks at the laundry* Take me with you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2017
…Please? Please take me with you?
9. Babies, what won’t they eat?
Things the baby tried to eat instead of baby food:
1) an unroasted coffee bean
2) a small rock she found on the ground
3) her own foot
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
Their own food, that’s what they won’t eat. They just smear that all over the house, their siblings, the dog, and themselves.
10. It’s not just parenting James knows a lot about, it’s marriage too!
Marriage is mostly just sending each other memes while your kids destroy the house around you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2017
House? What house? I think I had a house once, now it’s just a pile of broken lego bricks.
11. If only planning a vacation was this easy…
Best vacation destinations according to my 4-year-old:
3) McDonald's play place
2) car wash
1) sidewalk where she saw a dog that one time
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2016
Although I don’t care how old you are, seeing a dog is always the best thing that can happen in your daily life.
12. I’d definitely go here
My 4-year-old calls Dunkin' Donuts "Drunken Donuts."
I was going to correct her.
Then I realized it was the best idea ever for a bakery.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 9, 2016
Alcohol and donuts? Sounds like the most perfect bakery in the world!
13. Who doesn’t love singing in the mirror?
I can hear my 6-year-old singing "We Will Rock You" in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what's happening in there, but apparently it's going well
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2016
She’s going to grow up to be a rock star!
14. That’s a game nobody wins
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2017
How do you play? You get your money from your boss and then watch how fast it leaves your bank account! It’s so much fun. Not.
15. You think they’re trouble now? Just you wait!
I thought there was nothing worse than when my kids fought.
Then they started working together.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 10, 2016
There’s nothing worse than realising that your kids have formed a truce and are working together to make your life more difficult than it already is.
16. This kid is calling you on your stupidity
Me: I thought you'd be dressed by now.
7-year-old: I thought you knew better.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2017
Sorry Dad, but this kid’s got one over on you here.
17. I’m running before they’ve even had time to tell me!
The fastest person on earth isn't Usain Bolt.
It's any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 17, 2017
You wonder why I’m running? I don’t want to have to deal with a poop explosion, thanks!
18. She doesn’t know how to read, but she wants you to think she does.
My 3-year-old is pretending to read.
She's saying the words to "Going on a Bear Hunt."
But she's holding "The Berenstain Bears."
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2017
To be fair, those two books both have bears in them so she’s not that far off, right?
19. Spaghetti sprinkles are my new favourite food
My 5-year-old called Parmesan cheese “spaghetti sprinkles” and now that's officially a food group in my house.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2017
I’m never calling parmesan cheese by it’s real name again.
20. Another thing that’s been cleverly renamed
My 2-year-old called the vehicle for sick people a "wee woo truck" and now I don't even remember what the right name is anymore.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2017
Yep, spaghetti sprinkles and wee woo truck are now permanent additions to my vocabulary.
21. Sibling rivalry, huh?
5-year-old: My sisters are always around.
Me: They live here, too.
5: They don't have to.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2017
Some kids will give anything to have a little peace and quiet from their siblings for just a few minutes.
22. That’s one heck of a ritual
I'm not sure what my kids did in this room, but based on the debris pattern I'd say they ritually sacrificed a chocolate doughnut.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2017
Maybe they were trying to summon more chocolate donuts?
23. The most accurate job description I’ve ever read
Being a parent is pretty fulfilling if you like giving good advice that gets completely ignored 100 percent of the time.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2016
And they didn’t even mention the amount of poop you have to clean up!
24. Parenting, the only job where you can break up a bull fight without there actually being any bulls
I never thought I'd have to tell my kids, "Don't use your little sister for bullfighting," yet here we are.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2017
Just add this to the list of things I never thought I’d have to say.
25. That’s not how any of this works!
5-year-old: Can we buy that?
Me: It's too expensive
5: Use your credit card. Then it's free
Guess who's never getting her own credit card
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2016
Keep that kid away from your wallet!
26. Reason? They don’t need a reason!
Random lady walking by: Why are you crying, girls?
Me: It's cute that you think there's a reason.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2016
You want to know what their reason is? They wanted to make their parents look stupid, that’s what! At least, that’s what it is with my kids!
27. This is pretty much me with pizza, to be honest
[only have 1 frozen pizza when we need 2]
5-year-old: It's enough for me.
Me: What about everybody else?
5: They can watch.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2017
As long as I have pizza, I don’t care what anyone else is doing!
28. Shocking behaviour!
2-year-old: *frantically points at the pig*
Me: What's wrong?
2: *intense whisper* SHE'S NAKED.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2017
Maybe they were fooled into thinking pigs wear clothes by Peppa Pig and George?
29. Just wait until you have a job…
Me: Did you have a good day at school?
6-year-old: That's not how school works.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2017
Trust me kid, when you’re working you’ll be dreaming of going back to that easy school life! I know I am!
30. Child or truck?
My 3-year-old shouted, “Look out! I’m backing up!”
I’m raising a truck.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2017
Well, we wanted a baby, but we got a heavy goods vehicle instead. Ain’t life weird?
31. ‘Where’s your other shoe?’ is something I ask every day.
How to take off shoes like my 4-year-old:
1) Remove shoe
2) Place it on shoe tray
3) Remove other shoe
4) Toss it into another dimension
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2017
The other shoe could be orbiting Mars for all I know.
What do you think of James Breakwell’s hilarious tweets about parenting? What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever noticed about this whole parenting thing? Let us know what you think in the comments and don’t forget to share this article with your family and friends!