People can get over protective of their children. I know, it happens, and mostly it’s perfectly understandable.
But sometimes people are just plain crazy about it. Where there are crazy people of course, there is someone ready to cash in on that racket.
Babies need a lot of stuff, we all know it. Once a baby comes along, a trip to the store turns into an ordeal lasting hours and requiring about the same amount of equipment as your average military mission.
You still won’t believe some of the totally unnecessary stuff you can buy, apparently to help you to look after your baby, these days.
Just take a look at some of these wacky real products that you can actually buy for junior now!
Look, I know that potty training kids can be a challenge. But I can tell you right here, right now that there is no way that this is the answer.
Crib Dribbler Baby Water Dispenser
So that your baby can look like a hamster! Just kidding folks, this is a joke that somebody made to look like a real baby product. Pretty clever!
Baby Mop Onesie
Get that kid to work already. They’d have been a chimney sweep by that age in the 1800s, sweeping the floor a little isn’t gonna harm ‘em.
Snail Vacuum Power Wheels
Another example of getting your baby to work early! Get the housework done while they ride around happily. Until you take them to a friends’ house and they climb on their vacuum cleaner. Then your friends get suspicious about just how you’re raising that kid.
Laugh And Learn Apptivity Case
So your kid can laugh, learn and smash a thousand dollars worth of iPhone to smithereens in less than five seconds! Now there’s a worthwhile investment!
WhyCry Mini Cry Analyzer
Didn’t Homer’s brother make one of these in an episode of The Simpsons and make millions? This looks kinda less impressive. Kinda WAY less impressive.
The Poop Alarm senses changes in humidity and temperature, to alert you to when your baby needs changing. Doesn’t the fact that everyone within a three block area can smell that your baby has cr*pped itself count these days?
“It’s A Boy!” Card
Hey you! Yes you! Do you want your newborn son’s penis replaced with one of your probably already disturbed friends’ or family members’ fingers? Then look no further than… What do you mean ‘no’? Come back!
Wow, parenting just gets more and more disgusting as the years go by! Surely these products are meant to make life LESS icky.
Zaky Hand Pillow
Apparently nothing comforts a baby like being cradled by an oversized dismembered hand. Sweet dreams kid, see you in therapy!
Apparently the Tummy Tub is meant to recreate the feeling of being in the womb. That kid looks like he’s having a whale of a time, I’m sold.
Somewhere between the Teletubbies and a terrifying nightmare about two-headed aliens, there’s this thing!
Give your baby some swag with this thing.
Now you can make your baby look hilarious, when it doesn’t know hilarious from deadly or tasty from a bottle of bleach!
Why not just completely cover your baby and your whole house in shrink wrap and get it over with? I love the ‘Before Crumb Cap’ photo, where they’ve clearly smeared food on that poor child’s head.
The Baby Lasso
So that your child’s feet and your breasts can get as acquainted as the other end has. That poor kid’s face says it all really, doesn’t it?
Because there’s money in things kids and parents have been doing together for generations.
Hey, moms to be! Are you finding that you’re not quite annoying enough about your unborn sprog on social media? The Kickbee has a motion-sensor that detects a baby’s kick and sends out a tweet about it! If this sounds like a good product to you, then we can’t be friends.
So you do what with this? Stick it where? No freakin’ thank you!
I mean, this is obviously objectively hilarious, am I right?
Just in case you’re not paranoid enough about your baby getting hurt already, with the Thudguard you can REALLY give them a complex!
Baby Knee Pads
Wait, is that kid wearing a baby toupee?
This is going a little too far, right? As if we don’t force children, especially girls, to act as if they were mini-adults as soon as possible… now you can get baby high heels from newborn size! Oh wait they’re called ‘heelarious’, that’s too good to stay mad at.
So… there’s no easy way of saying this, but you shove this on the end of your baby’s penis, to stop getting peed on when changing their diaper. There, I said it. Nobody wanted this, but here it is.
The Bottle Holder
“Feed yourself kid, I have more important things to do!”. I would probably be more on board with this idea if it didn’t look like something made dad made in his shed out of old coat hangers.