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“I cannot believe I’m paying $40 a month for this torture”
As if pulling yourself away from your sofa and driving to the gym isn’t hard enough, there’s also so many other challenges us women face when we’re inside the sweaty hell hole.
Yes we admit- exercising makes you feel great, your endorphins are rushing around your head and you leave on a natural high feeling happy and unbelievably proud of yourself. We’ve all heard about the benefits of going to the gym a million times and we really try our hardest to stay fit and active. There’s thousands of fitness accounts sprawled over social media sharing recipe ideas, fitness tips, training videos and helpful advice.
However, what we never hear, is the inner thoughts of the less regular gym goers who are on the treadmill looking extremely uncomfortable or the red faced Mom of two in the weights section clumsily dropping the dumbbells all over the floor. These are the people we want to hear about for once- these are the one’s we can relate to (well in my case anyway).
1) Spending the whole car journey in a mental dilemma over whether you should go or not
Why is it that you always have big ideas to change your life on a Sunday night? Last night you were so pumped and ready to go, and now you’re in the car thinking about all the good TV shows you’re missing and the million other things you’d rather be doing. You have a stern word with yourself and keep referring back to photos of yourself when you were 18 pre-muffin top. Ah, those were the days.
2) You’re paranoid that that they can see how many times you’ve visited when they swipe your card at the entrance.
“Please, God. No one else has to know that I’ve been 3 times in 6 months.”. You still don’t know for sure whether they have the technology in place to do this, but you’re sure you notice a little smirk on their face as you pass through for the first time in forever.
3) Your personal trainer looks like he’s been sculpted by the Gods. Meanwhile, you look like this…
“This is probably the most attractive man I’ve ever seen in my life and the most unattractive I’ve ever looked. Why is my life like this?”
4) When you forget your towel and have to sneakily run away from your sweat drenched seat
You don’t get what the big deal is, but there seems to be signs everywhere saying ‘WIPE YOUR EQUIPMENT AFTER USE’, so you feel slightly threatened. You sit there for a while planning your escape wisely (and to also just have a little break) before running away from your massive sweaty ass print.
5) “I’ve been two days in a row now- why the hell am I not skinny?”
It’s hard to keep up momentum and motivation when you’ve worked SO hard for two days and still are no closer to looking like Angelina Jolie. Might as well just give up and go and eat some nachos.
6) “I’m actually wasting away”
Who the hell said pasta was slow releasing and would keep you full for hours? I AM STARVING. You wonder how embarrassing it will be on a scale of 1-10 if you pass out right now after only being here for 4 minutes.
7) “I hope no one can hear that I’m listening to N Sync’s Greatest Hits”
These stupid $8 earphones are SO loud. I might as well have bought a boom box.
8) When you regularly pause your music to check you’re not breathing like an asthmatic hippo
“How have those two girls over there been chatting away whilst running for 45 minutes and I’ve been on the stepper for 3 minutes and literally sound like Darth Vader?”
9) “Great, of course the Victoria Secret model has to come to work out on the machine next to me”
When you thought you couldn’t feel any more disgusting- an actual model with the best thigh gap you’ve ever seen in your life comes and does the most graceful 30 minutes of running on the machine next to you. It actually looks like she’s floating and does not have one hair out of place. This does wonders for your self esteem.
10) “Why does the weight section look like a torture chamber?”
When you feel as though you should really start mixing up your gym routine but the weight machines look like medieval torture devices and intimidate the hell out of you.
11) *checks stomach after every sit up*
Nope, still look six months pregnant.
12) *Has first salad of the year in August and puts a photo of it on all social media sites with the caption #EatClean #FitFam #MyBodyIsATemple*
Sometimes the pride and smugness takes over you and you can’t help but share your new found love for fitness with the world. Yes, I did have a McDonald’s breakfast but now I’m eating a ‘speed food salad’ and the whole of the human race is going to know, ok?
13) When you want nice gym clothes, but you also don’t have the money to spend $80 on a pair of leggings
Considering the amount of pressure that’s put on us all to look after ourselves and keep fit, you’d think that you could buy a pair of decent running shoes and some pretty gym leggings without having to take out a mortgage.
14) So you buy a two pairs for $8 and this happens after one week of wear
With the amount of pairs you’ve bought in the sale and had to throw out, you could’ve bought three pairs of luxury leggings from a high-end designer store.
15) “Why is that girl on the treadmill wearing false eyelashes and lipstick?”
You swear that the last time you came to the gym everyone pretty much looked like sh*t and didn’t care- now it’s like a constant catwalk. Then again, you last time you came was about five years ago so…
16) “Are these mirrors tainted?”
You stare at yourself in the massive mirror in front of you and think “I refuse to believe that my thighs are that big. No way. Absolutely no way.”
17) “Ok I’ve been on the cross-trainer for 3 minutes now- I’ve definitely burnt off that double cheeseburger”
You’re strategically covering the calorie counter with your phone, so you can’t see that in fact, you’ve burnt 10 calories. Ignorance is bliss.
18) “I’ve done a whole 20 minutes. I’m an inspiration. It’s definitely time to get in the jacuzzi”
You do go to the gym and do your half-assed work out, but you know you’re secretly paying solely for the jacuzzi. Is there anything more relaxing than slumping in a hot, bubbly pool of water for 45 minutes and coming out like an old prune? Nope.
19) But there’s mirrors EVERYWHERE and you see yourself at all angles so decide to get back on the bike.
*Googles the price of liposuction*
20) “If I looked like her I’d constantly walk around naked”
There’s real life inspiration everywhere at the gym. You secretly hate them but also admire and want to be them. You wonder how it feels for your thighs not to touch and to not dread bikini season. F*CK YOU CARBS.
21) When you’re trying to look like you know how all of the machines work but are low key losing your mind
It would be easier breaking into NASA than it would to work this stupid machine.
22) The grunting men in the weights section make you feel extremely uncomfortable
We get it, you’re full of testosterone. Will you shut up now?
23) “Why is my face about x15 shades redder than everyone else’s?”
This is not normal.
24) “I am so proud of myself. I can’t wait to reward myself with a pizza when I get in”
Ah, the sweet silver lining of going to the gym. Hey, at least we tried.
If you are a gym bunny, you were probably reading through this list thinking “what the hell is wrong with these people” and that is fair enough- we think that ourselves on a regular basis. To all the people who read this and could relate to everything, feel free to share this with your equally lazy friends and don’t forget to leave us a comment- we’d love to hear your input!