You own 38 recipe books and have not cooked a single thing from any of them.
When you join Slimming World, you’re not only embarking on a journey of incredible weight loss- you’re also joining a secret society with it’s own code words and it’s own random selection of products.
Life is hard and sometimes all you want to do is feast on an 18 inch pizza and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s to yourself without the guilt of knowing that you’re consuming two weeks worth of ‘syns’ in one sitting. You’re desperate to look like you did when you were 18, but equally you live for cheese and carbs. What’s a gal to do?
If you have taken the plunge and decided to head down to your local community centre for your weekly dose of humiliation, then hopefully you’ll be able to relate to all of these hilarious Slimming World truths. If not, and you’re naturally skinny and can eat what you want- then please be aware that we’re painfully jealous and we hate you.
1) You secretly want to punch the one member who actually lost weight over Christmas in the face
The epitome of smugness. Who loses weight over the holidays? As she’s going through her ‘speed food’ filled diary, you have vivid flashbacks to yourself on Christmas day- rolling around on the floor in agony because you ate 14 sausages and a giant chocolate reindeer in the space of 20 minutes.
2) You constantly ignore your consultant’s texts
You swan back into group after the fourth time of joining and completely play dumb to the fact that you ignored 25 of your consultant’s “is everything ok?” texts last year. Also, why is it that they always text you motivational messages as you’re mid-way through your cheesy garlic bread?
3) Syn free fries save lives
Whoever came up with this genius, beautiful recipe deserves a medal. These little beauties go with absolutely anything. Lasagne? I’ll make some SW fries to go with. A salad? I better make some SW fries. A bowl of porridge? I’ll just stick some SW fries in with that.
4) Food that you ‘forgot’ to note down in your diary doesn’t count
I’m sorry, but if I’m having two pieces of disgusting wholemeal toast for breakfast, I’m just going to turn a blind eye to the massive slab of butter that I spread on top. Equally- I’m not counting ketchup as a syn, ok?
5) You’ve said ‘you won’t believe the amount of syns in an avocado’ to at least 200 people
Some even strangers. You’re absolutely shook that a vegetable is so high in syns. It causes constant outrage and disbelief in Slimming World communities worldwide.
6) Your social media feed is now a constant stream of bacon medallions and low fat curries
You got slightly over excited when you first joined and followed 20 thousand ‘Slimming World recipes’ accounts and now you’ve spammed yourself with an annoying, unhealthy amount of meal pics.
7) You wear the same outfit to every weigh in
You do this even down to the same socks and underwear as you don’t need ANYTHING putting more weight on you than absolutely necessary. Sabotaging your own weigh in with some heavy jeans or a weighty knitted jumper is just something that is not going to happen.
8) Likewise, if you’ve had a bad week, you’ll try to wear something even lighter than usual
I don’t care if it’s -8 degrees outside, I’m going in my bikini and this floaty chiffon kimono and you can’t stop me.
9) You will not eat a crumb before weigh in- even if your weigh in is at 8pm
You have to take frequent five minute breaks throughout the day to reassure yourself that you can do this. You start to feel as though you’re wasting away and your ‘hanger’ means that anyone who tries to cross you risks losing their life.
10) You’re the only group of people in the world who know what Quark is
And you desperately try to convince yourself that a cheesecake made from this stuff is as good as the full fat version. You’ll have a tub of this in your fridge for as long as you do Slimming World- it’s an absolute essential (as you’re told every single week at your meeting).
11) You have a 5 page speech ready for anyone who questions the mountain of pasta that you’re about to tuck into
“You’re on a diet, should you really be eating all that pasta?”. WELL, ACTUALLY SUSAN, IT’S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT…
12) You live off vegetables and Quorn all week so you can justify all the cocktails you’re going to have on Saturday
You may be a misery to be around Monday-Friday, but you know you’re going to be the life and soul of the party come Saturday and you CANNOT WAIT.
13) You marinate some chicken and cook it with some veg and tomato sauce and name it something like “lonely fisherman’s Winter broth”
You feel so proud of yourself for creating something so wonderfully unique and exotic and the world needs to know about this classic recipe which will go down in history. You start imagining how weird it will be seeing yourself on Food Network.
14) You’ll find yourself bent down in the fridge devouring a whole packet of ham on a regular basis
Don’t judge us ok? It’s free.
15) You’ll follow at least one SW member who has lost 1/2 pound but puts a 2,000 word status up about her incredible weight loss journey.
There is also before and after pics which are basically one of her hunched over wearing the most unflattering pants you’ve ever seen and one of her in all black, with a corset on, sucking her gut into her back. Inspiring.
16) You hear that those 1 syn chocolate desserts are on offer at your local store, so you go and buy 45 of them
You either get sick of them after your third, or you’ll end up using 50 syns on them because you fancied something sweet and they were staring at you in the fridge.
17) You’ll hear the worst sob stories in the world at weigh in
Linda has been boring everyone with her sob story for 20 minutes now about why she found herself scoffing 28 scotch eggs at her cousins wedding at the weekend. Save it Linda, I’M STARVING.
18) You freak out if you run out of Frylight
OH MY GOD! I NEED TO COOK MY STIRFRY. I AM NOT WASTING SYNS ON COOKING OIL. NO WAY.*calls husband crying and begs him to pick up some low fat cooking spray*
19) You develop uncontrollable wind
After all the fibre-rich food and veg you’re eating, you could single handedly shut down windmill farms and solve the eco crisis yourself.
20) ‘Pinch of Nom’ is your bible
How did people diet before the internet and Pinch of Nom? You love this channel more than life itself, but also kick yourself for wasting so much money on those stupid recipe books.