“One lady was too posh to swear when in pain from contractions, she just kept screaming ‘jeepers creepers'”
We admit labor isn’t the most glamorous and dignified of experiences. If you’ve had a baby, you’ll know that there are certain things that go down in the labor room that you’ve never seen depicted in any film or tv show EVER before. On the other hand, if you’re new to the whole giving birth thing- don’t worry- it’s not all bad.
There are some hilarious moments that may occur to take your mind off the pain for a second or two…
1) When I was born, my dad didn’t know that babies are usually born face down, and as I was coming out he screams “OH MY GOD SHE DOESNT HAVE A FACE”
2) “I was high on meds at the time, I was begging for BBQ ribs in between contractions. “C’mon, honey! The nurses will never know!” They were standing right there.”
3) “Apparently, when my aunt was giving birth, she was all jokes. Very angry jokes, but jokes none-the-less.
KNOCK-KNOCK! WHO’S THERE?! THE BABY! NOT YET!”
4) My mom almost punched her best friend when I came out with my head all funny. My mom said, “How does she look?” And her friend’s response was “… Kind of like E.T.” My mom didn’t have a sense of humor about it.”
5) “I pushed so hard that sh*t flew out of my butt, right into my husband’s mouth, and all over his face.”
6) “I’m a nurse and one of the strangest things that I’ve seen happen while someone is giving birth is one patient decided to tell her boyfriend that it wasn’t his baby… That made the whole room silent and the boyfriend just left without saying a thing.”
7)“I was totally out of it and kept saying how good it felt to have the doctor’s fingers inside me over and over again.”
“My partner told me this happened during our son’s birth, but I honestly have no proper memory. Apparently, right before I started pushing, the doctor came to see how dilated I was. As she put her fingers inside me I said, “Oh, that feels so good”, in the porniest voice possible. I remember feeling very uncomfortable and sweaty, and the doctor’s fingers were very cold, so it was more about being “refreshed” rather than sexually stimulated. Nonetheless, I kept saying how good it felt to have the doctors fingers inside me over and over again while the doctor and nurse would give each other awkward glances. My partner wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”
8) After a long contraction, I said quietly “I’m gonna set everyone in this room on fire.” Everyone laughed, including the nurse, but I think my devoutly Christian mother-in-law started to cry.”
9) “I had a c-section and was pretty out of it. When they held up my daughter and said “here’s your baby!” I responded “that’s not mine, I’ve never seen it before in my life. Take it to lost and found.””
10) When my mom was delivering me, she pulled my Dad down to her level by his shirt and said “Get the f*ck out of my face.”
11) While the baby was crowning I just kept repeating “Why??? Why do I keep doing this to my self?”
12) “Not me but my mom delivers babies. She was telling me that one time there was a woman that went to push and opened up her mouth and had the longest drawn out scream ever.”
“It was so long that everyone was kind of looked at each other, checked their watches and tapped their foot. Once she was done my mom went up to her and said “you only get to do that once during a delivery and you just used yours”.
13) “No comments or screaming… The very last push though, I. Freaking. ROARED. I mean like Amazon-woman battle cry shit.”
14) “When my brother was born, they had to use forceps to get him out. My mom saw them and screamed “THOSE ARE SALAD TONGS! YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ANY GODDAMN KITCHENWARE IN THERE!”
15) “My husband loudly said to everyone in the room, “Wow, babe, I didn’t know your hemorrhoids were so bad.”
16) “When my sister was in labor, she was screaming and our mom was trying to be comforting: “It’ll be OK. Take some deep breaths. It’ll be over soon.”
Then my sister looks up at our mom and screams “You have no idea what this is like.”.
17) “Patient fully dialated, started pushing, then changed her mind. She calmly said “I don’t wanna do this, I’m going the f*ck home.” And then tried to roll off the table.”
18) “I once delivered a baby on the side of the road. The woman kept shouting “f*ck me!” during contractions and the husband casually replied, “that’s how we got into this mess, dammit!”.
I had a very hard time containing myself.”
19) “I think by far the one that made me and the nurses laugh the most was a woman with a thick Jamaican accent that kept saying “oh you bad boy” over and over in between contractions/pushes.”