Mom’s to be, it’s time to fill you in on all the juicy details…
Don’t freak out- there’s nothing too gross in here, but we just wanted to pre-warn you of some of the random and annoying things that can happen when you’re pregnant that nobody seems to warn you about.
You can own all the baby books in the world, but I bet they don’t tell you that you might start to have full on, porno-style sex dreams and that you’ll produce more saliva than you’ll know what to do with. Pregnancy can be amazing and magical- after all- it’s going to result in you having your very own tiny bundle of joy.
However, if you do find yourself going slightly crazy wondering why your legs are unbearably restless or why you’ve suddenly developed a face full of freckles- don’t worry, these things are SO common.
This is gospel for any first time mom’s…
1) Pregnancy can give you hyperrealistic porno dreams
Due to a huge mix of hormones and interrupted sleep, pregnancy dreams can be weird, intense, and according to thousands of women- VERY sexy.
2) You may develop freckles
New freckles, patches of coloured skin, and even darkened areolae around your nipples is super common when pregnant. Cute!
3) Your nose will work overtime
Suddenly, you can smell everything and develop the nose of a trained sniffer dog. Whether it’s garbage bins and fishmongers miles away or every woman’s choice of perfume on the subway- you’ll smell it all.
4) You’ll find yourself dribbling from time to time
Saliva. So much saliva. No one really knows what causes excess salivation during pregnancy, only that it occurs more often in women with heartburn and morning sickness.
5) Your gums may bleed a LOT
Don’t worry- you don’t have gum disease. Pregnancy hormones can cause temporary gingivitis and sensitive gums.
6) Your attitude towards sex may change again and again
You’re probably going to be too nauseous for sex in the first three months. In the second trimester it’s common for your libido to go absolutely crazy. In the third trimester the logistics of sex may be beyond you as at this point you’re basically the size of a planet and aren’t feeling too sexy.
7) You can’t poop
Pregnancy apparently makes you constipated, even if you eat a lot of fruit and veggies and fiber throughout- the baby will mess things up because he/she’s sitting on your colon. Whenever you finally give birth, you’ll probably poop while trying to push the baby out. The midwives deal with this all the time- let it all out!
8) Thing’s won’t look completely ‘in tact’ down there for a while after
We wouldn’t advise taking a mirror and having a peep down there straight away- maybe give it a couple of months. If you do however- it WILL go back to normal.
9) You’ll get used to your baby waking up every 1-3 hours, then one day you’ll wake up and notice they’ve been asleep for 6-8 hours and you will FREAK out
Apparently it’s pretty common for babies to just one day decide they’re sick of sleeping only a couple hours at a time and casually treat themselves to an 8 hour nap. It’s not a gradual change.
10) Your newborns poop may be black for the first few days
You can expect your little angel to sh*t black, demonic looking miasma for the first day or two. Don’t panic- it’s completely normal.
11) Your boobs can be completely different sizes for a while
When your milk dries up, one of your boobs can shrink more than the other leaving them different sizes for a while. They will eventually go back to normal- but it can scare the hell out of you when you first notice it!
12) Lotion, lotion, lotion
It’s common for your boobs and tummy to constantly itch and drive you crazy whilst pregnant and after giving birth. Treat yourself a good, soothing lotion before you lose your mind.
13) “A few weeks after my son was born, I went to PetSmart for some supplies. Someone had a week old baby kitten; I looked at it, it cried, my boobs exploded”
In the first few weeks of lactation, hearing a baby cry can trigger your breasts to leak. Not just your own baby, any baby. It can make for some slightly awkward moments in public.
14) Sometimes the baby WILL kick your bladder and you WILL pee yourself
No warning at all. Be safe in the knowledge that you’re not the only person this has happened to- this is unfortunately so common.
15) Also, in the last trimester sometimes the baby will seem to flip around and throw you off balance
You’re not just being clumsy- this happens to thousands of women.
16) Your legs might come to life at night.
Restless leg syndrome (a sensation of pins and needles in the legs that makes you move them around) is common in pregnancy. Ask someone to give them a massage before bed so you can get a decent nights sleep!