One word- queefing.
I know it may feel like many moons ago now- but can you remember what you imagined sex would be like before you did it for the first time? Movies and TV had led us to believe that it was the most serious and romantic thing in the world. We were expecting candlelit rooms, rose petals, a playlist of cheesy love songs- even a Sex and The City style lowdown with your girlfriends the next day explaining every amazing detail of the unforgettable event. What they didn’t show us however- was a naked man scrambling through his sock draw desperately trying to find a condom or you thrashing around like an erratic seal because you’ve got cramp in both legs.
Let’s be honest, all of that rom-com stuff is miles away from what we all go through during our average bedroom antics. Our experience of sex changes as we get older- especially if we’re in a long term relationship. So, we’re here to give you the unedited, undignified version of sex- the one which will hopefully make you laugh but also throw up a bit in your mouth.
1) Accidentally Giving Yourself Concussion
Whacking your head against a headboard has to be in the top three most annoying pains you can ever endure (stepping on a plug is number one, obviously). You’re trying your hardest to be a seductive, desirable sex goddess but instead you end up looking like an awkward, clumsy oaf.
2) Sweatiness in general
Imagine coming out of the gym after a massive work out and letting an attractive man touch you and rub themselves up against you- it would just never happen. However, during sex it’s deemed completely acceptable to drip sweat on each others faces and slither all over each other like two (un)sexy snakes.
3) The Quest of The Condom
There’s absolutely nothing sexy about condoms. They look weird, they feel weird, they smell weird- and no matter what flavour that they say they are on the packet, they taste weird too. We get it, they’re important- but watching your man frantically search for ten minutes whilst you lay there bored out of your mind is always a slight mood killer.
You can’t win with this one. There is absolutely no way you can sexily remove a sock.(if you know of one, please let us know). However, there’s also nothing sexy about having the feel of sweaty cotton caressing your calves. Sigh.
That’s it. Just genitals in general.
They’re ugly and they shouldn’t be sexy but they’re how we make babies so suddenly everyone thinks they’re great. Nope, sorry- they’re disgusting.
Here’s an invaluable tip- if you think you’re getting lucky tonight do not wear skinny jeans. In fact, don’t go near anything fitted or with lots of buttons unless you want to interrupt your “sexy” striptease with lots of cursing and 3 tantrums.
7) Trying New Positions
The magazines make them look so easy and erotic. You don’t have to necessarily be doing pro Karma Sultra positions- even just your run of the mill spooning position can sometimes leave you tumbling off the bed and spending twenty minutes trying to get the angle right. Moments passed- moving on.
A woman’s worse nightmare. Seriously, you want the ground to swallow you up. You’ve heard it, he’s heard it- there’s no coming back from it. You spend the remainder of sex praying that it doesn’t happen again. Who knew that a little draught could cause so much havoc?
9) Trying to be quiet
Sometimes you find yourself stuck in a situation where you have to be deadly silent during sex- and it’s never the sexiest of scenarios. You just stare at each other with deadpan expressions and every creak of the bed makes you both roll your eyes. Why did you even bother?
10) ‘That’ noise
That squelchy noise. You know the one. *shudder*
If it’s not confined inside the safety of a condom- it just wreaks absolute havoc. As well as it’s ability to bring chaos to every crevice it decides to go down, it’s also an absolute bitch to wash out. Just make it stop.
12) Dirty Talk
If you can do this with confidence and without feeling slightly awkward- we applaud you- it takes a lot of courage and creativity. It normally just ends up with two people mumbling a lot and laughing though.
13) Facial Expressions
In the moment of climax either party doesn’t care what their face is doing. However, if you take a step back and actually look at it- it’s probably the most unflattering, unattractive expression you’ll ever make.
Women have to give birth, suffer period pains, generally have a slower metabolism than men and basically just have a harder time all round when it comes to biology. You’d think that we would be given a break when it comes to UTI’s and that men would take one for the team- but nope- we’re more likely to suffer from these too. Wonderful. There’s absolutely nothing sexy about accidentally peeing yourself and crying into your litre of cranberry juice on the toilet.
15) The Toilet Dash
After sex when you have the instant, incredible urge to pee and you run to the bathroom half naked just hoping that no one is out of bed at the same time. You also get to glance at your disheveled hair and sweaty face in the mirror too which is always nice.
We hope you enjoyed cringing your way through this graphic list of ways in which sex is really unsexy. Feel free to share this and please let us know in the comments if there’s any others that you’d like to fess up to- we’re all friends here!