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When women have sex, they want the person they’re with to believe that we’re beautiful and wonderful and practically perfect in every way. We also know that that simply isn’t true. We do a lot of gross and embarrassing things when we think our partners aren’t looking, and today we’re going to revealing fourteen of the weirdest things that all women do in bed when we think you’re not looking. Careful, my lovely male readers, you may never look at women in the same way again after this one!
And the funny thing that cracks me up is the fact that most of them will look at you like you are straight up crazy if you confront them about it. Like we have no business knowing what’s going on in our own bed! C’mon ladies! Everything you do no matter how much you might want to is not private. Unless you actually do it in private you got to deal with any backlash you might catch from your guy.
Making love should be a sacred thing that is special but things sure have changed over the years and now people are so distracted that it’s honestly distasteful. No wonder there are so many people breaking up. Some of these, however, aren’t that bad and are more hilarious than they are bad. The woman is a very interesting creature and this post just proves every point I just made. If this is something that you could totally identify with then share it with all of your friends so you can all laugh together.
1. Checking our phones
We know we shouldn’t check our phones in the middle of sex, but it’s going to happen, we’re just a bit addicted to our smartphones after all. We’re not going to pick it up or anything, but we are going to take a sneaky glance if it looks like we just got a text.
People are so hooked on their phones right now that it’s almost become an epidemic. I’m sorry but if you whip out your phone in the middle of sex with me we won’t be doing the nasty anymore and probably not again for a very long time.
We talk on our phones when we eat and when we take a crap. We for some reason cannot just get off the phone and check back into reality. Yet some ladies still do this and their man is ok with it. I’m not sure why! I would be heated!
But sometimes we just cannot stop checking our social media to see what’s going on with all of our friends or maybe she is posting a status update on how well things are going under the sheets. Regardless of what might be going on I really hope that if this happens, someone will stand up and say something. It’s just bad form in my books.
Yes, I know the new cell phones are amazing and they totally keep us updated with the entire world sometimes unpluggins and really appreciating the person that is right in front of you is totally worth it.
Maybe she is checking her investments and trying to save enough to buy you that new car you have been eyeballing. But that’s probably unlikely unless you are with a business minded lady. So let’s unplug and enjoy the people around us! And the SEX too!
2. Checking out your choice of underwear
If we’ve spent a lot of time choosing our underwear, making sure we’re wearing the prettiest, sexiest pair that we own, then you know we’re going to make sure you’ve made an effort too. Don’t worry though, as long as they’re not greying tighty whiteys that are as old as you are then you’re pretty much good.
She acts like she doesn’t wear crazy looking underwear! Well baby let me tell you that us guys work hard on picking that perfect pair of underwear right before we jump in bed with you. It’s the men that should be looking at you like why the hell are you wear a piece of string stuck up your ass? There’s no way on Earth that you are comfortable wearing those things. You might think that it’s sexxy but really it’s kinda gross.
Afterall she dances with her friends like a couple a crazy people when we aren’t watching them. They will never ever admit it but we all know that it happens. Too bad we couldn’t get it caught on camera so that when you do it and deny ever having any involvement we could bust out our proof and have a good laugh.
We guys work hard to find that underwear that makes us comfortable and happy. Wearing something only because it’s a trend is something that most guys won’t fall for. Unfortunately our ladies don’t think the same way and it ends up becoming the great divide that we just don’t talk about much.
Afterall we feel like the underwear we choose has long-lasting effects on who we are as a guy. Gotta keep the junk held nice and tight so that things don’t get too loose if you know what I mean but you definitely won’t catch us dancing around the house with our buddies. At least most of us that is.
Or maybe we like to prance around in that really cool underwear that we found at the smoke shop. We think they are so cool that we throw them on and walk around to show them off like we made the best purchase of our entire life. Hey at least we have some swag!
3. Farting before we get down to business
We’re worried that we’re going to need to fart during sex, so we will sneak off to fart beforehand if we can. It’s for your own good as much as ours.
We all know ladies that have passed gas and then act like nothing ever happened. This is especially bad when it smells terrible and they won’t admit to doing it. If it happenes right before you are about to have sex it almost takes all of the excitement out of even being around her. Little does she know that her farts don’t smell like unicorns and roses.
Usually women have worse smelling farts than us guys too because they try to hold them in forever hoping that somehow the fart will miraculously disappear only to reappear at the worst possible times ever! Like right before or during sex.
She will even lift her leg hoping that nobody is seeing what’s going on. If we catch them do it they try to come up with some crazy excuse about some new Yoga pose they are working on or they had a leg cramp. But we all know that she is lifting her leg to get the most out of that fart that has been building up over the entire day. Little does she know that what she is about to let loose is the equivalent to an Atom bomb.
Then they try to pretend that they are actually sleeping when they do it but we all know that there is no way in hell that someone could let out that much force and stank and not be fully aware of what’s going on. And probably holding in a laugh while at it.
While we might admire that ass at the end of the day if it is smelling like raunchy fart we probably won’t want anything to do with you for a while. Although we were ready for some awesome sex the whole smell of death kinda puts us off in the worst way possible. I can tell you that it totally takes me out of the mood and actually puts me in a bad mood.
4. Check for boogers
Come on, we all know that boogers have a bad habit of making an appearance right in the middle of having sex. If you’re not looking, you know that we’re going to be checking that our face isn’t covered in snot and getting rid of any rogue boogers that may be creeping out of our nose.
It’s pretty gross when you pick your nose even if you aren’t in bed with your man. Doing while you are in bed just shows that you have no class at all and you need to learn some manners. Maybe you feel really comfortable around your man but I can guarantee that it is very offputting to him if you are doing this, especially right during or before sex. I mean cmon ladies I hope this post wakes you up see how bad you get when you are comfortable!
We are already used to you looking at your nose all of the time but before sex please just forget about the nasty boogers you got and enjoy the moment you are having with your man. Afterall he probably did work all day and now he wants to spend some quality time with you!
We all know that kids do this all of the time and we just let it slide because afterall they are just little kids and we wouldn’t want them to leave those boogers all stuck in there. But as a grown lady you should try to blow your nose before you get all sexy with your man. What if you did find a big fat juicy booger during sex? What would you do with it?
But hey! Each to their own! As long as your man is happy and you aren’t getting caught doing what could it possibly harm? I try to pick my nose when nobody is watching too but I’m sure people have caught me doing it too. But never ever have I done that during sex.
When us guys do it we have forever crossed a line that create war and chaos to our lady. Even though she does it too it’s different when we do it and she sure lets us know about it in ways we won’t forget. So lets all get along in bed and not pick our boogers when we should be focused on our partner.
5. We sneak a look to see how turned on you are
We just want to see how things are going as we’re getting ready to do the deed. We want to make sure that you’re finding us as sexy as we’re finding you. Warning: we may panic a bit if you don’t look all that ‘excited’.
Even though she is acting cool we all know that secretly she is trying to gaze into your manly soul to see if you are really into her. I mean to be honest who doesn’t do this? I would feel really weird having sex with someone that literally had no interest in me at all. So to be fair this is probably the most normal thing on this list at this point.
Maybe he is the one having the good time while she is trying to hard to figure him out? It definitely works both ways when it comes to this kind of stuff. Words to the wise, pay attention to the people around and show that they actually matter to you by engaging with them and listening to what they have to say. You would be amazed at how far that will go with any relationship.
Then there are definitely times when he is lost in his own world and probably isn’t thinking about you. I think this is legal at times as long as you do take times to connect and show your affection for one another. Just take note that if there is a game on you probably won’t be his main focus at the time. Don’t take it personally because you are the same way when your favorite show is on Netflix.
But hey maybe it’s a mutual thing and both people are just not feeling very social that night and just want to be left alone. I guess the only time a couple really gets to be alone and relax would be at night in bed. Hopefully, during or before sex you won’t be too paranoid about whether or not he is into you. I’m sure you will find out really quick after seeing his reaction to your sexy body.
And if can tell that you are not interested in her she will know it and probably kick your ass out of the bed and binge watch some cheesy TV series on Netflix. I guess it’s important that you show some interest in your lady. Especially during sex!
6. Wiping our nose on the sheets
I know this is gross, but I don’t exactly have the time to get up and get a tissue right now, okay? And my nose is practically dripping so deal with it. When my nose is running I have to do something with it so why not just soil the sheets? I will just end up washing them anyway so don’t trip!
After all when your nose is itchy you HAVE TO scratch it. It’s just one of those things that you CANNOT ignore! Not even if you are about to do the tango with your partner. Although nobody wants to lay on slimy sheets! Maybe you should have a box of tissue on the bed? Well, that might be a bit weird but whiping it on the sheets is just gross!
Tissues just feel so much better on the nose anyways. Can you imagine getting all excited and then seeing your partner wipe a fat bugger on the sheets right in front of you? I’d be like “you better clean that crap up” if I saw that! But hey each person has their own likes and dislikes. I for one think that buggars are disgusting, to say the least.
At least be like Michael Jackson and make it look a little stylish. Just wiping it on the sheets is bad form. Yes, we know it’s the easiest route but c’mon ladies! You know just a little neck action and the smooth hand motion might distract him from seeing what you are actually up to!
Even Mr. Bean does a good job at wiping his nose. At least people laugh when he does it! Maybe you could do something funny so that at least your partner gets a good laugh at what you are doing. I know I sure would laugh if my partner did something as funny as Mr. Bean in the bed.
Just whatever you do try not to gross out your man right before you are about to have sex with him. He is in the mood and excited to bring you pleasure and the last thing he wants is to see you do something nasty and ruin the entire night. You know, like using your buggars as a facial moisturizer. If you do this ladies please do this in the privacy of your bathroon alone with noone watching. Some things are better left not known if you know what I mean!
7. Freshening up downstairs
Well, we’d like to be fresh if you’re going to be spending time around there! While this might be true, if we are in the mood we don’t want to wait around for an hour while you freshen up. Admit it, ladies! It’s more for you than it is for him.
Guys should know that ladies have to freshen up before they do anything. Even if they are about to sit on the pot and do #2 they have to freshen up. It’s just something that has been embedded in the female DNA. I mean who wouldn’t want to smell wonderful while taking a crap?
But then there are times when something happens and she really does need to freshen up and it’s for the better of both parties that she does. Guy just need to learn how to pass the time while she gets herself ready. Or maybe not?
Shaq does it best. Just whip out your favorite scent and spray yourself a couple times and you will be ready to go ladies! I promise you that when your guy is ready to do the nasty the last thing he is worried about is your hair. But he will care how you smell. Make sure you spray yourself down and you are good to go!
Just try to not make it all awkward and weird when you do it. You know that there are easier ways to do it than say you need to freshen up. Or you can totally be awkward and see how far that gets you through the night. I know when my partner is acting awkward it kinda throws me off a bit. Just remember that guys think very differently than you do.
Oh, and don’t forget to brush your teeth or at least spray something in there so your partner doesn’t smell your dinner breathe that you still have going on. If you are going to freshen up make sure you do it the right way. None of that half ass stuff please!
8. Thinking about really unsexy things
If we have a short attention span then there’s no way we can stay focused on sex for the entire time we’re having it. Unfortunately if our partner finds out they will probably get a little annoyed so try to find exciting things about what’s going on! Don’t make your partner feel like they are boring! That’s just mean.
We don’t plan on thinking about how we have to do our taxes and take the dog out for a walk later, but it’s going to happen at some point as our minds just wander.
I mean sometimes your mind just does go down a rabbit trail and then you forget where you are. Hopefully, you won’t get startled when you come back to reality and realize that you are engaging in something meaningful! I can just picture your face coming back to reality only to be bent over like a pretzel!
And sometimes you just have so many things going in in life that you just can’t stp thinking about what happened that day. Maybe when that happens it would be better to just have a good talk with your partner rather than putting them off by drifting off into some outspace thinking.
But some of us ladies that’s just how we role. We are analyitcal and we rely on our thinking to get us through this thing we call life. So sometimes your partner just has to accept the fact that your thinking is what gets the two of you through life. Deal with it buddy!
Hey, as long as you are still enjoying yourself I can’t see any harm in the bit. Just don’t make your partner feel like you don’t care about them.
If you get into a deep thought your face will tell on you and you will be busted. So try to conceal it as much as possible. It will be a valuable tool that you can use in life. Have you ever heard of a poker face before? If so you know exactly what I am talking about!
9. Tying our hair back
If we have long hair then you know it’s going to get in the way the entire time we’re having sex. Not only will our own faces end up getting covered in hair, but it will end up all over your face and in any other awkward place it can go.
Tying it back is the only way to make this whole thing less awkward.
10. Secretly lube up
Lubrication makes everything about sex better, so if things are feeling a little dry down there, then we’re going to slyly get some lube going.
11. Getting paranoid
Are our roommates going to walk in? Is our Mom going to call with some sort of emergency? Are you going to think that this is the worst sex you’ve ever had in your life and tell all your friends and never want to see us again? We’re going through all of these paranoid thoughts and more in our heads.
12. Checking that our boobs look good
We’re going to be sneaking a look at our own boobs at every opportunity to make sure that they look as awesome as we know they can look.
If there’s a mirror around, we’ll be checking every time that mirror is in our line of sight.
13. Checking the time
We’ve been at this how long?! We better finish up soon because I have to be up for work in the morning.
14. Scratching that itch
Getting itchy happens and we’ve gotta scratch that itch. We’ll try to be subtle about it, but we’re going to scratch at some point.
What do you think of our list of fourteen things that women do during sex when you’re not looking? Are you a woman who does the things on our list when you’re having sex with your partner?
Have you ever been caught doing one of these embarrassing things when you thought you were in the clear? Let us know what you think in the comments and don’t forget to share this article with your family and friends!