Watching your parents fumble around, looking uncomfortable and speaking total garbage in an attempt to have ‘the talk’ with you can be seriously funny to watch… until it’s your turn.
Whether you’ve got kids of your own or not, chances are… you’ve probably experienced that ‘birds and the bees‘ conversation at some point in your life.
It’s basically a right of passage after all, plus it’s pretty necessary considering how confusing the whole s-e-x topic can be during your early teens.
Despite the fact that children are naturally curious and often ask awkward questions that leave you sending them away to the other parent… You can’t just sit around and wait in the hope that they bring it up anymore.
That’s because these days, things are slightly different. Kids have access to a broader technological landscape and so, it’s much easier for them to get the information they’re looking for. Or, on the flip side to that, it’s much harder for parents to restrict access to that information.
Not everything that’s accessible is necessarily suitable after all… but that’s another conversation altogether!
In most families, parents find it difficult to approach the situation of intercourse, babies and all that stuff in the right way. It’s a delicate topic and it can make even the most confident guardian shudder when they’re trying to think of that opening line.
What are you supposed to say… “Son, we need to talk about where babies come from”, or “sweetheart, we want to talk about being safe, you know… in the ol’ bedroom”? CRINGE.
It’s a difficult one! Take a look at some of the funniest examples of how other parents often try the same thing. Have you ever had to bare painful witness to any of these?
1. Grown-ups do a ‘special dance’
What do kids actually think when you tell them this, that’s what I want to know. How much do kids really know about dancing anyway? Especially at a young age, which is probably when you’d use this one. It’s not a million miles off I suppose. It’s moving your bodies vigorously (with any luck…), having fun and you could even slip in that you happen to be lying down whilst taking part. Easy.
(Plus sometimes it can be so bad, you’d rather just be dancing anyway!)
2. It’s a really, REALLY special type of hug
Being intimate with a partner is a lot like having a really good hug. You wouldn’t just hug anyone I guess? So it gets across the message that it’s only ‘special’ people that you share that moment with.
This is a great way of skimming over the finer details like foreplay, kissing and the other parts of lovemaking that children of a certain age are too young to fully understand. Unfortunately, these days kids are after a little more info than that. Plus, you have to give them credit for being a little smarter too. You might end up creating extra homework for yourself when your kids refuse to hug anyone out of the fear of accidentally impregnating them!
3. Using food
There are few things that’ll take away your appetite quicker than using various snacks from around the kitchen as tools in a make-shift sex ed class! Be careful what you choose to use as well, otherwise your 10 year-old might not be eating a banana again any time soon.
4. Safety first!
A slightly more obvious route to take into the conversation. Some parents go so deep into the importance of being protected that they bore their children into giving up with finding out the rest altogether! This one is definitely for teens who already have some basic understanding of how the ‘magic’ happens.
Depending on their child’s age, it’s not uncommon for moms and dads to go out and buy protection so that their sons and daughters are fully prepared. It does however make sex come across as all doom and gloom, taking away any excitement they might have had about actually enjoying it! After all, nothing your parents tell you to do is cool at that age…
5. Straight-up honesty
A risky strategy. There’s so much to go wrong here. I’m all tensed up just thinking about it!
At the end of the day, it’s a judgement call. You can never be 100% sure that now is the right time to start this sort of conversation but it’s better to have some idea of how they’ll react. Why? Well, because if you tell a child that’s perhaps too young, that a penis goes into a vagina and liquid comes out… they might just be so horrified that it scars them for life. Which would probably go down as an unsuccessful attempt at ‘the talk‘.
6. Side-step altogether
Just lie completely. It’s fine, what harm could it do? They’ll find out the truth some day, but for now it eases your problems. “They’re delivered to the house by a stalk” is an old classic. Or perhaps “they’re made out of play-doh“, or maybe even “they come out of the butt like a giant poop“. Although I would probably steer away from that last one.
Alternatively you could just say they got bought from a store, which you could use as a threat as well. “If you continue to misbehave i’m returning you!“, that aught to stop the crying…
7. It’s dirty and you must never do it… EVER!
Some parents believe that the best way to cut off their children’s inquisitiveness over sex is to inflict so much fear into them that they never even think about thinking about it again. It’s funny to imagine the sort of things that might get said; “getting someone pregnant when you’re not married is so bad you get detention for a year”…
But after the laughter dies down, it’s probably pretty damaging. So maybe avoid this one too…
8. Youtube is your new best friend
Why try and explain something as complicated as sex when the internet can do it for you? Be careful though because if you pick the wrong sex education video, the terror you see in your childs face might stay with you (and them) forever. I imagine for a kid it’s like when I watch a horror film; absolutely freakin’ terrifying without much of a reason why!
9. Using props
Remember, as a mom or dad you are the architect of your child’s impressions of delicate topics like this. With that in mind, confident parents might try and use dolls or action figures in an attempt to explain the process of intercourse. This might come across as some sort of disturbing puppet show though, but don’t worry i’m sure it won’t make a significant impact on the rest of their lives…
10. “Daddy gives mom a special gift”
“Just like Santa, dad also has a special present for mom that only he can give”. And what a present it is aye? I like this one the best, especially for younger kids. It involves absolutely no detail which makes life easier for everyone… not that I like to cut corners or anything!
Well, there’s definitely a right mixture of approaches there. I bet there’s hundreds more obscure and straight-up weird ones too!
Have you ever had to have ‘the talk’ with either your parents or your kids and it’s gone completely differently to how you imagined it would? Let me know in the comments!